


If I Lost You

by QuantumChickpea



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien has passed away, Angst, Comfort, Coping, Coping with Death, Crying, Dealing With Loss, Death, F/M, Grieving, Healing, Loss, Sadness, adult characters, adult!adrien, adult!marinette, ghost!adrien, grieving!Marinette, middle aged
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:38:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24870172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuantumChickpea/pseuds/QuantumChickpea
Summary: How she pretended like he was still there. Pretending like he had never gotten sick in the first place. That he had never passed from something that they couldn’t control. Lost a battle that he couldn’t win and it was the first time that they both had to admit that there was nothing that could help. There was no lucky charm that she could throw that would make it all better. The battle wasn’t with an akuma and no akuma in their lifetimes had been as scary and as bad as the one he had fought.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Comments: 27
Kudos: 59





	If I Lost You

**Author's Note:**

> **I found out today that a good family friend passed away and to cope with losing someone I knew my whole life.... I wrote this one shot. Thank you for reading! ^-^**

Adrien was at a loss. There was little he could do, but watch Marinette sobbing in their bed with their wedding photo clutched in her arms. There was little he could do to console her as she cried hysterically, gasping for breath. Little he could do to make the heavy pain in her chest lessen. Little he could do to stop her tears that burned her eyes and dried them out. Little he could do as she stayed up for nights on end since the night he had passed. He couldn’t do anything and even as he brought his hands up to peer at them. To watch them tremble as he wanted to cry with her. To watch them shake as he begged to be able to hold her when he knew he couldn’t. When he knew that his arms would pass straight through her and not make her warm. When he knew that his stalled heart wouldn’t beat in time with hers again. 

No, all he could do was watch her grieve. All he could do was stand in their old bedroom and watch her curl up on their bed, on his side. Watch how she would wear his old dirty clothes, holding them over her nose to breathe in his scent. Keeping his memory there like he was still wrapped around her. How she would pull his pillow and rub her face into it to take in his shampoo. How he watched her stand in the shower, barely hanging on by leaning onto the wall. Grasping for anything to bring her peace. Grabbing his shampoo, only to open it and breathe it in. How she pretended like he was still there. Pretending like he had never gotten sick in the first place. That he had never passed from something that they couldn’t control. Lost a battle that he couldn’t win and it was the first time that they both had to admit that there was nothing that could help. There was no lucky charm that she could throw that would make it all better. The battle wasn’t with an akuma and no akuma in their lifetimes had been as scary and as bad as the one he had fought. 

Adrien watched Marinette weakly sit up on the bed and bring her knees to her chest. Watched her cradle their photo and place her cheek against the cold glass as she coated it in her tears. She made it rain on them like the day he had lent her his umbrella when he had apologized. 

Adrien walked to their bed and sat beside her, trying to brush his fingers through her hair but they only passed through the dark strands. He sighed and watched her sob, gasp, and hiccup. “I’m right here, M’Lady. Even if you don’t know it. I’m here, Bugaboo.” 

Marinette had never thought about how hard it would be to lose him. How hard it would be to have to live without him. She didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know how to feel and the only thing that she was sure of was that there was a massive hole in her chest. It felt like she was missing half of her soul. Like she was missing a massive part of herself and she didn’t know how to cope. 

Alya had suggested therapy. She had suggested a new hobby. Had suggested going for walks to clear her head. Her best friend had recommended keeping a journal. But talking about Adrien hurt more. Thinking about Adrien and how badly he had suffered at the end, hurt too much. Everything hurt too much. She had no idea the scale of pain that would be caused by losing her soulmate.

She didn’t go out like she used to. She found convenient excuses on the daily for why she couldn’t go out to dinner or lunch. Their kids would stop by with their grandkids and she’d put on a brave smile, but as soon as they left… she would break again. She would fall apart from seeing him in their kids and grandkids. She would fall apart because he wasn’t there to see how much their grandkids had grown. She would fall apart because he never got to see his youngest grandkid’s first steps. He hadn’t gotten to see one get married. He hadn’t gotten to see so many things and it killed her inside. 

Marinette sobbed and peered down at the photo, running her index finger along his jawline in the photo. She sniffed and softly smiled as she remembered when they got married. How happy they had been and how carefree. How the world was okay for once and Hawkmoth was gone. His father was gone. They had nothing to worry about, but then when he was in his fifties. Her bottom lip trembled as she began to try to hold back tears, but they burst from her lips and she flung back to put her face into his pillow once again. 

Adrien sighed and reached out to shakily touch her back, running his hand along it even though she couldn’t feel it. Even though she didn’t know that he was there in the room. That he had never left her. He had stayed with her since the day he had passed in the hospital bed. He hadn’t been able to leave her side and he still couldn’t. She needed him. Now, more than ever. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to move on, but her heart was too broken. 

“I don’t know what to do!” Marinette burst out the words in sobs as she fell apart and felt sick to her stomach. “What do I do? What am I supposed to do?” She peered at Adrien in the photo and ran her finger along his cheek as she laid on her side. “You would know what to do. You always knew what to do. I wish you were here to tell me. To say Marinette, it’s okay. The solution is simple. But you’re not.” She burst into sobs again and suddenly hugged his photo again. 

“The solution isn’t simple, Marinette. Losing someone you love is never simple.” Adrien sighed as he laid down behind her and wrapped an arm around her, knowing again that she couldn’t feel it. “I wish I knew what to tell you, Princess. I wish I could hold you. I wish I could tell you it’s going to be okay. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and kiss you senseless. I wish I could spoil you. I wish I had more time. I wish I had been given more time, but-” Adrien sighed as he nuzzled her hair with his nose, passing through her. “-I can’t change it. We tried. We fought side by side, but this fight was too hard. And I am so so sorry, Mari. I am so sorry that you had to watch me grow weaker and weaker each day, slowly wasting away. But- but I wouldn’t trade being with you to the end for anything in the world, bugaboo.” 

Marinette burst out crying as she stood up and went to the walk-in closet. She ran her hands along his old clothing that were still hanging up how he liked. Adrien followed her, keeping on her heels as she grabbed onto the suit coats and buttons downs. As she lost all of her strength and fell into them, sobbing and surrounding herself in them. She grabbed a suit coat and slipped it around her shoulders, pretending that he was holding her and keeping her warm. Breathing his cologne in and closing her eyes, hoping that he was really there and it wasn’t just her imagination. 

The day he had died, even though he was weak with rings beneath his eyes and an overly thin figure, he was still gorgeous. He had aged beautifully and handsomely. He had spent his life modelling until he couldn’t stand anymore. And even then, he had continued to do modeling from a wheelchair. There was no stopping him and no saving him. He had done so many rounds of chemo and so many rounds of experimental tests. Had been flown out to try new things in hopes that it would cure him, but nothing ever did. He just got more and more exhausted and weak. She had spent days taking care of him and she wouldn’t trade them for the world. Days of cuddling him and running her fingers through his thinning golden hair that had been tinged with gray on the edges, telling him how even on his bad days… he was still as gorgeous as when she had first fallen for him. She sobbed and sniffed as she laughed at the memory of him panicking over gum on her seat. It seemed so trivial now. It was just a stupid gum incident. It was nothing compared to what they had gone through. 

Nights and days of him getting sick from chemo. The day he fell apart over losing his hair. The day she chose to shave her head after she shaved his, and how they had laughed and took a photo to share with friends and family. All the days she held his hand through treatments. All the days she helped him bathe, eat, and go to the bathroom. All the nights she tried to calm his anxiety as he panicked that he might not wake up in the morning. All the days that she tried to make sure he was okay and that he felt comfortable. And the day that she had to say goodbye. How he was sobbing and saying he didn’t want to go. Saying that he didn’t want to say goodbye to her, his kids, and his grandkids. How she had sat on the edge of his bed and laid down, wrapping her arms around him, cradling his head to rock and shush him. How everything would be okay and-

“You always knew what to say. It’s not me that did, M’Lady. It’s you. You were the strong one. You still are. You comforted me when I needed it. Let me know it was okay to let go. You gave me the comfort in knowing that everyone would be okay after I was gone and I know now that it’s true. You were brave and are still and it’s okay to grieve. I- You taught me that.” Adrien sighed as he sat down in front of his sobbing wife. “You taught me that grieving is natural. That it’s okay to be sad about losing someone.” Adrien touched her chin and softly smiled. “No one had told me that before until you. And now? You need someone, and while I can’t be here physically? I’m here with you still, but you need someone who can be physically with you.” Adrien sniffed and got closer to wrap his arms around her. “You need family and friends. You need to be held and comforted and you need someone to be here physically and I- I can’t provide that any longer as much as I wish I could.” 

“Marinette?” Tikki zipped into the room with Plagg and Marinette shook her head and waved them away. “It’s been long enough. I can’t hide anymore just because you don’t want to remember.” 

“And I can’t watch his princess crumble without her prince anymore.” Plagg sighed as he sat on one of Marinette’s trembling shoulders. 

Adrien let her go and looked at Plagg, who was looking directly at him. “Plagg? Can you see me?” Plagg nodded and Adrien nearly burst into tears of joy as he became excited. “Tell her, I’m here. That I’ve been here and- and I miss her. Tell her I love her and that I’ve been beside her this whole time. That even though I’m not next to her… I’m still by her side. That I-”

Plagg raised his paw to make him slow down. “The kid is still here, Marinette. He’s been here this whole time. He said-” 

Marinette suddenly peered up, nearly knocking Plagg off her shoulder. “What?” 

“Plagg… Terrible timing. Can’t you see she’s hurting?” Tikki complained and Plagg shushed her. 

Adrien sat back on his heels with his hands on his knees, becoming more excited. “Please, Plagg. Tell her.” 

Plagg sighed and hugged Marinette’s cheek. “Adrien says, Tell her, I’m here. That I’ve been here and- and I miss her. Tell her I love her and that I’ve been beside her this whole time. That even though I’m not next to her… I’m still by her side. That he’s-” Plagg stared at Adrien, waiting for him to continue.

“That he’s what?” Marinette croaked as she tried to speak through her tear laden voice. 

“That I wish I had more time. That she is the most gorgeous woman I have ever laid eyes on, and that even now with her messy hair and my old clothing on her? She’s still as stunning as ever. That she doesn’t need make-up or fancy clothes to look exceptional. She never had needed it. She’s always been purrfect. Yes, purr Plagg.” Adrien pointed at the kwami and watched the little cat groan. 

Plagg sighed and flew away for Marinette, letting Tikki hug her cheek instead. “He says, that he wishes he had more time. That you are the most gorgeous woman that he has ever laid eyes on. That even with messy hair and his dirty clothes… you look stunning. That you never needed make-up or fancy clothing to look good. And he is making me purr this, but he says... you’ve always been  _ purr... _ fect. God, kid. You’re so sappy, you know that?” 

Marinette burst out laughing for the first time in a long time as she brought his suit coat to her lips and blushed. “He really made you purr?” 

“I swear on all of my camembert, he did.” Plagg raised his little paw and Tikki nodded. 

“He did, Marinette.” Tikki giggled and Marinette began to laugh harder. 

“He would. Same old silly Kitty.” Marinette’s laugh broke out in a sob as her bottom lip trembled. She reached her hand out. “Where is he?” 

“Right here.” Adrien reached out and placed his hand in hers. “I’m holding your hand.” 

“He’s holding your hand.” Tikki softly smiled as she watched Marinette wrap her fingers around air. 

“I miss you.” Marinette sobbed as she smiled and tried to calm down. 

“Miss you too, Bugaboo. Everyday that I’m not holding you.” Adrien softly sighed as he got closer to wrap his arms around her. 

“He says he misses you too, Bugaboo. Everyday that he’s not holding you. And… he’s hugging you right now.” Plagg groaned at their sappiness. 

“One day you’ll join me, but not anytime soon. The kids need you. Hell, I need you to live.” Adrien sighed as he nuzzled her shoulder. 

“He says one day you’ll join him but he doesn’t want it to be soon. He said the kids need you to be here and that he needs you to.” Tikki spoke for Adrien because Plagg was tired of doing it. 

“That’s right, Bugaboo. The world still needs their Ladybug.” Adrien kissed her cheek and pulled away from her. “I still need my Wonder Bug.” 

“He said, the world still needs their Ladybug.” Plagg began and Tikki finished for him. 

“That he still needs his Wonder Bug.” Tikki softly sighed as her heart filled with love. 

“What if I want to go now? What if I’m ready to be beside you? What if- what if my heart can’t handle being without you?” Marinette sobbed as she clutched his suit coat around her shoulders again. “WHAT IF I NEED YOU?” She burst into sobs again as her heart ached. 

“Then I’ll be right here. Whether you’re happy or sad. I’ll always be here. And one day? When you finally let go? I’ll be waiting with open arms for you to fall into them like you did when we first met.” Adrien warmly smiled and Plagg went to explain when Marinette held up her hand.

“It’s okay. I know what he said. He’s said it for years.” Marinette softly smiled as she sniffed. “I know you’ll be waiting with open arms when it’s my time. And that you’ll always be here. I just wish you had more time too.” 

Adrien warmly smiled and wrapped his arms around her again, sitting beside her and just holding her as they both cried. Plagg and Tikki hugged Marinette’s cheeks as they watched the two fall apart, yet find comfort in one another like they always had. 

**Song I wrote to:**

[ **If You Need Me by Julia Michaels** ](https://youtu.be/S8sLfL_xaxg)

[ **The Sail Song by The Venice Connection (sums this up pretty well)** ](https://youtu.be/5NmwbG5vN8U)


End file.
